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5 Steps to Stop Playing the Comparison Game

posted by : Kimberly Dillavou

Are You Playing the Comparison Game?

Let’s be honest here.  We all fall prey to the comparison game.  We compare our lives, our businesses, our bodies, our families, our kids, our houses with people we know personally or who are well-known. Even though we dislike how the comparison game makes us feel, we do it anyway.  I don’t know about you… but I am done playing the comparison game!

Comparison and Shame

Comparing oneself with others causes a decline in self-esteem, which in turn causes a shame reaction. Shame will fill the gap between what we “ideally” would like to be, do and have to what we see ourselves as actually being, doing, and having. Unfortunately, the bigger we view the gap, the greater the pain and shame.

When we are in comparison-making, our “vision” is distorted.  We lose sight of our own value, while devaluing or dismissing the real worth we have.

“Comparison is a liar who says our best won’t ever be good enough.  Measuring your success through comparison is a recipe for unhappiness.” – Alli Worthington

Oh the Games We Play…

Comparing yourself to others really isn’t about the other person… it is really about your own insecurities.  You have the choice if you want to stay in the comparison mindset or accept that your present circumstances are good enough.

I would encourage you to focus on choosing the latter.  Be intentional and turn away from comparison.  Then you will step into the life of joy and contentment.

The purpose of this post is to help you become aware of the habit… yes, habit… of playing the comparison game and discovering a new way of thinking.  Habits can be broken and changed.

Once  you become aware that it’s something you do and recognize when it’s happening, you are able to stop yourself.  Then you can choose to change your thoughts to something more positive. The most important part of the process is being committed to changing the habit.

Learn more about changing negative thoughts patterns – 4 Steps to Overcome Negative Thinking

It takes practice learning how to identify when you are comparing yourself and changing the habit to a positive one.  It took me some time to retrain my brain not to play the comparison game.  If you commit to practicing catching yourself in the act of comparison, over time you will break the bad habit.  You will replace the old habit with a new one… an attitude of gratitude.

Remember that it  takes at least 21 days to create a new habit, so be kind to yourself as you are trying to break the bad habit of comparison.  If you are anything like me, you probably have been playing the game the majority of your life.  But I am proof that the bad habit of comparison can be broken and the attitude of gratitude can take its place.

5 Steps to Stop the Comparison Game

1.  Awareness

Most of us do these social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it.  So it is important for you to bring your subconscious thoughts into the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them.

As I thought about what I was thinking about, it was easier for me to identify when I was comparing myself to others… which I did far more than I thought I did.  After practicing awareness of my thoughts, it was easier for me to recognize the situations or “triggers” that caused me to play the comparison game.

Each one of us has “triggers” that cause us to compare ourselves to others.  Once you become aware of your thoughts and “triggers”, you will be able to do the next step.

2.  Stop Yourself

Once you realize you are comparing yourself to others… pause.  Just remind yourself that this is an opportunity to break your bad habit of comparison.  Give yourself some grace and retrain your brain with gratitude.

When I would hear the voice of comparison in my head saying, “I will never be as good as…,” or “I will never have…,” I would replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.  I would focus on what I do have and on what I am already blessed with.  Over time, I found true joy and contentment in where I was in my journey.

3.  Focus on your strengths

Each and every one of us is gifted with different talents, personality traits, and abilities.  It really isn’t fair to compare yourself to others since we are all unique in our own ways.  I am naturally good at things that others are not and vice versa… I am not as good at things as others are.

For many years I thought my “goofy” personality was a weakness.  I did everything I could to “hide” the 5-year old inside of me.  It wasn’t until I got a job at a preschool that I realized my “goofy” personality was a gift.  I was created to be a preschool teacher and my personality fit the position perfectly.  So, I encourage you, instead of focusing on your weaknesses… (which actually can be a strength), focus on your strengths.  You were given these gifts on purpose, for a purpose.  Use them to the best of your ability!

4.  Learn to Embrace Imperfection

No one is, or ever will be, perfect so stop chasing the impossible.  Perfectionism does not make you more lovable or acceptable… just exhausted and depleted.  It is not your ability to “perform” or keep up that determines your worth.  You have worth because you are a child of King Jesus… which makes you a Prince or a Princess!

Learn more about being a Prince or Princess – Let Faith Arise

You are enough! You don’t have to be more, or do more, or buy more to be who you are meant to be.  One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to accept yourself for who you are and fall deeply in love with yourself.  I encourage you to practice being okay with getting it wrong and not beat yourself up about it.  You are imperfectly perfect!

Learn more about embracing imperfection – Confession of a Perfectionist Mom

5.  Focus on YOUR Journey

Life is not a competition… it’s a journey.  Each one of us is on our own journey.  We all have had different experiences, joys, setbacks, and hurts.  It is important that you do not rank yourself in comparison to others.

People will always show you the “best” of their life but you don’t know what their “worst” looks like.  Unless you know them well, it is impossible to judge people by their outward appearance or public life because you really do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

Your journey is to discover how to live the life you deserve.  It has everything to do with becoming all that you were created to be and do and how to use your setbacks as stepping stones.  I know for myself that the difficult things in my life…that I thought placed me beneath others… have helped me to become the strong and confident person that I am today.  Without those experiences and hurts, I wouldn’t be able to help people as effectively as I do.

You Are Enough

Unfortunately, for so many years I longed to be like so and so or so and so… never feeling satisfied with who I was or what I had.  I discovered on this journey that as long as I wanted what others had, I will never feel like I have enough or am enough.  For you see it is an endless cycle and it will NEVER lead to happiness.

I have discovered that who I am and what I have is enough.  Now, I still strive to become better but now I compare myself… to myself.  Cultivating a grateful heart has become very important to me.  I focus on what is good in my life and celebrate the simple things in life.

I found a great article on what it means to be enough – What It Means to Be Enough by Melissa Camara Wilkins.  She talks about “enough” means that you don’t have to get everything, and you certainly don’t have to be everything.  Being “enough” does not mean that you have to be self-sufficient and that it does not mean that you never need help.  Also being “enough” does not mean that you are flawless, or that you never make mistakes.

The phrase, “You are Enough,” means that you were made to be you, as you are, on purpose for a purpose.  You are who you are, in this place and time for a reason.  O my worthy one, you are not a mistake!

“You are enough as you are, mess and all, beautiful and broken, showing up for your life every day. That’s all you have to be and all you have to do. You’re already enough.” – Melissa Camara Wilkins

Live Life On Purpose

I have made a conscious decision to live my life intentionally… in alignment with my values, goals, dreams, and morals. Living life on purpose, for a purpose helps me focus on where I want to go in life and prevents me from getting stuck in the comparison trap.  It also helps me focus on what really matters in life and that I matter in life.

Therefore, I would encourage you to consciously make a decision to live your life intentionally and stop playing the comparison game.  People who choose to live intentionally seem to find true contentment.  I know I have.  It keeps you focused on what really matters in life and maximizes the joys that life brings.

The choice is yours… so choose wisely.  Choose to break the habit of comparison so that you can celebrate the gifts you have been given, cultivate your interests and talents, and enjoy your life!   You can have everything you need to become the best version you can be.

What helps you stop when you catch yourself comparing?  Share your tips with me in the comments!

Gracefully yours,

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About The Author

Kimberly Dillavou

I am a cherished daughter of my father in Heaven
I am wife to Jess and mom to 3 precious kids.
I am the founder of Gracefully Living Life Loved.

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