Perfectionist Mom

I have a confession… I was a perfectionist mom.  Getting the parenting thing right was very important to me.  I wanted to be a “perfect” mom and attain the “perfect” family that others envied.  Unfortunately, I caused more chaos than perfection.

Growing Up A Perfectionist

I am a first born child which makes me a perfectionist by nature.  I like things neat and organized, and I do not function well with clutter.

In countless ways my perfectionism has served me well in life.  I was a good student in school and worked hard for A’s. I had a successful business and career as a preschool teacher, teaching child development classes for adult learners, and teaching classes at Early Childhood conferences.  There is a box of certificates and plaques for countless hours spent trying to produce the best possible work.

In other ways, my perfectionism has been detrimental for my life. Perfectionism was my excuse for unreasonably high standards for myself, for never being satisfied with achievements, and for my unquenchable drive for approval.  I convinced myself that whatever I did…  it had to do better than anyone else.

I was on a constant quest for validation through my behavior and performance.

Approval from others was desperately needed for me to feel worthy.  That desire drove me to obsess over reaching extreme measures of achievement.  Even though on the outside I appeared to have it all together, on the inside I was crumbling and afflicted with anxiety.

The weight of the anxiety and pressure to perform prevented me from feeling fully alive and engaging in an authentic life.

 Perfectionism and Motherhood

Perfectionism carried over into motherhood.  My children were not allowed to watch certain TV shows, go to certain movies, or play certain video games.  I read to them and provided an abundance of books for them to read.  I enrolled them in music classes, art classes, swimming lessons, flag-football, floor hockey, dance, gymnastics, ice skating lessons, t-ball, softball, golf, soccer, educational classes, and anything I thought that would make them better adults who were well-rounded learners.

There would be nights I would stay up late cleaning and organizing the house.  (God forbid that someone might stop over and see my house in a state of disaster… what would they think?)  I would wake up every morning feeling exhausted but driven to do more… be more.

It was essential that my children experienced it all.  Though I never felt that it was ever enough. Being a perfectionist mom and creating a “perfect” family was utterly exhausting.

Perfectionism and Comparison

During those years I subconsciously fell prey to the comparison trap. That triggered competition among my mom friends.  I basically picked up an invisible yardstick and measured my life… my family against theirs.  That decision caused even more chaos and stress.

I constantly stressed about:

• How well am I parenting?
• Am I taking advantage of opportunities for my kids?
• Should I work more so they can have more… do more?
• Am I working too much?
• Is my house clean enough?
• How do people perceive me… my kids?
• What if I fail… will I ruin my children?
• Am I enough?

On and on these questions plagued me.  Little did I know my drive to be a perfect mom stemmed from deep-rooted beliefs I held about myself.  These beliefs were “truths” that I held onto in my mind.  The beliefs were actually lies I internalized as truth.

More on this read  – Welcome to Gracefully Living Life Loved

Striving for Perfection

Day after day I would strive to be a perfect mom.  Days turned into years.  Year after year my fear of not being enough went deeper and deeper.  My depression and anger increased exponentially.  The cycle of striving and doubting almost destroyed my family and my health.

Perfectionism and comparison had robbed me of joy and hope.  It kept me hidden and ashamed.  For most of my life I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and shame.  I desperately needed people to see me as perfect even though I felt less than perfect on the inside.

The shame fueled my perfectionism.  It was the reminder that I’m not worthy of love and belonging, as I actually am. So shame kept propelling me to continue trying harder and succeeding, desperately seeking the approval of others. But shame did not play fair. It continued to whisper lies, and with every lie I believed the pain went deeper into my soul.

“I believe people try to appear or be in control and perfect because their soul/mind is in chaos.  They believe that it somehow brings relief.”   –Kimberly Dillavou

That was me… trying to control all the things around me because I felt like a tornado was raging inside me.  Perfectionism causes me to put immense pressure on myself, striving  for unattainable standards.  The quest to be a “perfect” mom and to have a “perfect” family led to self-destructive behaviors and resulted in a life of unhappiness and loneliness.

“Perfection doesn’t exist.  The fact that we try to pursue it anyways is the sign that we are living in the quest of approval or affirmation rather than in the pursuit of living well itself.”  -Trish Blackwell ~ The Problem with Perfectionism

Destroying the Perfectionist Mom Before it Destroyed Me

Perfectionism and comparison almost destroyed me. I put an end to it right before it almost put an end to me.  Trapped in a world of never-feeling-good-enough, I got tired of always wanting to be the “perfect” mom, wife, and friend.

I decided to let go of the idea that life could be enjoyed when I finally reached the standard of perfection I was pursuing.  This freedom gave me permission to be myself, to pursue the best version of me, and stop being a perfectionist mom.

I have come to the conclusion that perfectionism is never achievable.  Perfect is impossible and worthless to pursue.   Trying to pursue it is a sign that we are living in the quest of approval or affirmation rather than in the pursuit of living well itself. 

“Ultimately, we strive for perfection because we yearn for happiness, but happiness doesn’t come from living a perfect life, happiness comes from living a life well lived.” -Trish Blackwell ~ The Problem with Perfectionism 

Hope for Perfectionist Moms

To the perfectionist mom out there feeling like a failure…

I want you to know that you are more amazing than you think!

Perfectionism does not make you more lovable… just exhausted and depleted.  It is not your ability to “perform” or keep up that determines your worth.  You have worth because you are a daughter of King Jesus… which makes you a Princess!

For all the times you think you blew it, yelled, or made bad decisions does not change the fact that you are a wonderful mom.  You are perfectly imperfect and beautiful.

I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of those who love you.  You would see that they do not judge you and deeply love you… flaws and all.  They do not need you to be perfect.  They just need you happy and present.

More on being present with your child – Top 5 Ways To Be More Present With Your Child

One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is to accept yourself for who you are and fall deeply in love with yourself.  I encourage you to practice being okay with getting it wrong and become aware of why you are fixating on something… and not beat yourself up about it.

Even if you feel like you allowed perfectionism to hinder you as a mom… please do not focus on the past. Focus on being present now.  Small changes add up to big results.  How do I know?  Let me tell you…

Small Changes Add Up to Big Results

Around Mother’s Day this year, I took my youngest son to Caribou for special time.  There was a question written on the board.  I read the question out loud to myself.  Without missing a beat my son answered the question…  out loud.  I almost started crying.

The question was… What is the best thing about your mom?  He answered… that she is so kind.

Right there I realized my soul healing journey wasn’t only for me but my family also.  (If you are not familiar with my healing journey you can read the post – Welcome to Gracefully Living Life Loved.)

For you see, 0ver 15 years ago, I called myself an angry elf and Mt. Kimberly.  There was no room for kindness because anger and bitterness took up all the space.

I was the type of perfectionist mom that when you didn’t do what I wanted or thought needed to be done, there was a price to pay.  I usually got really angry and yelled.  There was no grace… my children feared me.

Through the love and grace of my Jesus, He healed my anger issues.  He also healed many of my soul wounds that harbored the anger and bitterness.

Change Can Happen for the Perfectionist Mom

Fast forward… my son is grateful for a kind mother.  That is, my precious friend, why I know small changes equal big results.

For the perfectionist mom… if you want to start making small changes so you can have big result, you can read about how I overcame perfectionism in my post  – How to Overcome Perfectionism – Shattering the Mirror of Perfection.

My journey of healing was only possible because of my personal relationship with Jesus.  It is through the power of the blood that was sacrificed for me (and you) that I am who I am today.  If you want to learn more about a personal relationship with Jesus visit – Let Faith Arise.

I hope you have found hope and encouragement from this post.  If you are a perfectionist mom, you too can overcome perfectionism.  Please share this so that others can also find much needed hope and encouragement.  Feel free to leave me a comment.  I would LOVE to hear from you!

Gracefully yours,