Finding Happily Ever After….

There is hope and healing from emotional and physical abuse. I found my happily ever after. You can find your happily ever after, too.

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of being a princess.  I imagined a handsome prince would someday whisk me away and we would live happily ever after.  I think to some extent or another every little girl dreams of their happily ever after.

No one ever dreams that their knight in shining armor would hurl hate-filled words at them, or injure them physically, inflict emotional abuse and fear, or even betray them with another woman.  That is what I got instead of my happily ever after.

Shattered Dreams

I think, like me, you probably experienced something much different in life than you imagined as a child.  Hopefully, it isn’t to the extent that I experienced.  I would not want anyone to experience what I did in my first marriage.

My dream of being unconditionally loved and married blinded my perspective.  The desire to be loved was so powerful that I threw all logic out the window.  I ignored red flags and proceeded down the path that almost ended my life.

Have you been there?  Forgetting logic and truth?  Desires so powerful that you proceed without caution?

Hope and Healing from Abuse is Available

If this describes you, know that there is healing from the pain of that heartache.  The wounds within your heart may seem so deep that they are never going to heal.  But take courage my precious friend…. healing is possible.

I know this to be true because I have experienced it.  My sweet Jesus is the master healer.  He longs for you to be whole.. mind, body, and soul.

There are countless women I have mentored that have encountered healing as well.  Therefore, I know it is available for you!  You deserve to be the best version you can be.

Fear Driven Decision

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of being a princess.  I imagined a handsome prince would someday whisk me away and we would live happily ever after.  I think to some extent or another every little girl dreams of their happily ever after.

It is amazing what fear will cause you to do.  I decided to marry a man that I really didn’t like, let alone love.  I married him so that I would appear to be loved.

My thought was if I was wearing a wedding ring I would tell the world that I WAS LOVABLE!  Perception is everything…. right?  Little did I know that one fateful decision would create a gaping hole in my heart.

Insecurity and Self-hatred Caused Poor Life Decisions

My insecurity and self-hatred caused me to make poor life decisions.  Which led me to marry a narcissist.  My fairytale dream was nothing like I thought it would be.

After a very difficult break up with a boyfriend that I thought was “the one”, I met “George”. When I first met him, I didn’t like him at all and I found him quite annoying. But apparently, he liked me.

He constantly asked me out on a date. And every time… I said no. After being pestered for so long, I finally relented and said yes. I thought this would be a way to get him to leave me alone.

For some reason, he was able to wear me down. We went out on a few more dates. Then less than a month after the first date, he proposed.

Run to the Altar

Within 3 months of him proposing we were married.  My wedding was nothing like I imagined it would be.  My mother-in-law planned the entire thing.

Of the $10,000 wedding, I chose the bride’s maids dress and picked 2 of the 7 bride’s maids.  That’s it…. and did I mention that it was in a town 8 hours away from where I lived?  Yet I proceeded.

Married Life

Our marriage started out good.  He was wonderful to me.  I thought that maybe I could learn to love him.  Though everything changed when he realized that I was not able to have children.

He wanted to have children and so did I.  Month after month I wasn’t able to get pregnant.  I finally went to the Dr. to find out why I couldn’t get pregnant.

My doctor told me that I was not able to bear my own children because of scarring from a procedure to remove cysts when I was a teenager.  Just another blow to my nonexistent self worth.  I was even more inadequate than I thought I was.

The Beginning of the End

That was the beginning of the misery to come. His behavior and attitude towards me changed.  He no longer treated me like I was special.  I was now treated as the problem.  That’s when the emotional abuse began. 

Little by little, the assault on my mind and emotions was causing me to crack into a million pieces.  My identity, self worth, and dignity was slowly being destroyed.

The man that professed to love, cherish, and honor me abandoned his commitment. The emotional abuse started out so small.  It slowly progressed from sarcastic comments to razor sharp words that edged my fears and insecurities deeper within my heart.

After less than a year of marriage, I was diagnosed with anxiety and manic depression. The emotional abuse caused my brain to become chemically unbalanced. The doctors had told me that this “state of being” is how I would live for the rest of my life.

Over the next year and a half, I was hospitalized 3 times in mental health hospitals.  I struggled to “pull myself up by the bootstraps” as people suggested I should do.  

All the while, no one knew the real reason why I was struggling with my mental health.  Though, every time I was hospitalized, the distorted beliefs I held about myself fell deeper and deeper into my soul. 

Unseen Emotional Wounds

The result from the emotional abuse caused me to sink deep into depression.  Unlike a physical wound no one can see the marks and the pain.  They were my invisible wounds…

• anxiety
• restlessness
• confusion
• difficulty making decision
• difficulty with focus and concentration
• feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness
• self-blame
• self-destructiveness
• lack of motivation
• low self-esteem

Removed from Source of Self-Confidence

After we got married, we were living in the same town as my parents.  He decided that we needed to move to a different town because my parents were too involved in our lives.  So off we go…

Once we were living hours away from my family, the physical abuse began.  He had successfully removed me from my support system and felt safe enough to show his true colors.  Just like the emotional abuse, the physical abuse also progressed slowly. It began with a push… to being choked… to finally him trying to kill me.

Physical Abuse Escalates

The abuse had got to the point where I never knew if I would live to see another day.  The fear and uncontrollable negative emotions caused an avalanche of anxiety and it paralyzed me in anxiety and depression. 

No one ever dreams that their knight in shining armor would hurl hate-filled words at them, or injure them physically, inflict emotional abuse and fear, or even betray them with another woman.  That is what I got instead of my happily ever after.

You are probably wondering why I didn’t leave when the physical abuse began.  I used to wonder the same thing about other women who were in this type of situation before my experience.

Why Are You Still There?

Fear… plain and simple.  I was told repeatedly that if I left, he would find me and bring me back… dead or alive.

Not only did I fear that he would come after me if I left, he had convinced me to believe that I could not survive on my own.  The emotional abuse brainwashed me into believing that I was dependent upon him for just existing.

Emotional Abuse

After I escaped from “the first one,” I did a lot of research to understand the why and how of emotional abuse so that I could heal the wound it created.  This is what I have discovered about emotional abuse.

• Emotional abuse slowly breaks down a person’s self-esteem, self-worth, and independence. Therefore it makes them believe that without the abuser they have nothing.  This traps victims in emotionally abusive relationships because they feel they have no way out and they are nothing without their abuser.

The abuser …

• attempts to gain power and control over the victim. This is accomplished through criticizing, threatening or manipulative behavior.

• wears down the person’s self-esteem and self-worth making it less likely that they will stand up for themselves in the face of future abuse.  The decrease in worth makes it more likely the person will stay with their abuser.  They begin to believe the abusive things their partner says and believe they deserve nothing more.

Knowledge is power

Once I started to understand how emotional abuse happens, it helped me realize what I experienced was normal.  My situation was not isolated and I was not defective.

Over the years, I have met many other women who have experienced similar situations as mine.  It is crazy how similar the behaviors are of the abusers.  It is as if there is a manual written for them.

Narcissistic Personality

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I married a narcissist.  Knowing these characteristics now helped me understand why I experienced the abuse that I did.  It also helped me accept the past.

Do you recognize any of these traits?  Are you in a relationship with someone like this?

• Two faced, putting friends and family down behind their backs.
• Tendency to blame their lack of success and failures on others.
• Acts differently in public than in private.
• Irresponsible and unreliable
• Arrogant and unreliable
• Lives in a fantasy world which may include porn, flirting, affairs, and dreams of unlimited success and fame.
• Addicted to fantasy oriented behavior.
• Will lie and distort facts and change events to suit their own agenda.

• Will be irresponsible with money
• Emotionally distant and unavailable unless they want something.
• Lack sympathy for others, especially those they exploit.
• Will be very controlling and unable to relax.
• Regularly provoke people and blame them for the fight.
• Have trouble admitting their mistakes.

Does This Describe Your Situation?

Do you need to find hope and healing from abuse?

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist or someone who is emotionally abusing you, know that you are not the entire problem.  You are not crazy and you do deserve to be loved.

If you fear that your spouse may physically harm you, please get yourself (and your children) to safety.  Trust me it is worth the risk.

7 Helpful Tips for Healing Abuse

Here are some helpful things you can do to help you heal, find hope and healing from the heartache of emotional abuse.

1. Seek out professional help to assist you with dealing with that person.  You will need a safe and unbiased place to share your deepest heartaches.  Consequently, I found that talking to a counselor helps me sort out the feelings I am experiencing.
2. Read literature that will encourage you along the path of healing; books that can help you redirect your unhealthy thought patterns.  I have several books listed on my Books That Changed My Life page which could assist you in this area.
3. Find one trusted person that you can confide in.  Bringing the pain out in the open isn’t always easy to do.  The more you expose light to the dark, hidden places, you will experience greater healing.
4. Recognize the abuse for what it is.  You were the recipient of the actions of a person who was/is “hurting” and in turn they hurt you.
5. Pray.  Seek God.  Trust.  This is where my true healing came from.  It was in my personal relationship with God that I found peace and comfort for my soul.
6. Find scripture that encourages you along the path of healing.  There are several scripture topic index books available.  I have one that I use quite often.
7. Set healthy boundaries.   Ask yourself… What is the specific behavior you will no longer accept or tolerate from that person?  What will be the negative consequence if he/she continues his/her behavior? Think of an action you can take immediately that will clearly show you no longer tolerate his/her old behavior.

Please go to my Let Faith Arise page if you want to know more about having a personal relationship with God.

New Happily Ever After Abuse

It is possible to find hope and healing from abuse. I have found love on the other side of emotional and physical abuse.  I found a true prince charming.  We have been married now for over 21 years.

If you remember, I was told by my doctor I wasn’t able to bear my own children.  Well, God had different plans.  I was blessed to give birth to 3 beautiful children.

Finding Hope and Healing from Abuse

You can find your happily ever after, too.  You do not need to live in fear.  God’s plans for you are good.  Unfortunately, our choices in life have sometimes kept us from the good God has for us.

We are not bad people… we just have made some bad choices.  Therefore there is always hope and healing from abuse for the taking.  The key work is in the action of taking.  Choose to walk down the path of healing and restoration.  You are worth it!

Question for You

What is your experience with emotional abuse or a narcissist?  How did you find healing from the past heartache?  I would love to hear about it.  Leave me a comment below.

Here are some other posts that I think you may find helpful. https://gracefullylivinglifeloved.com/shame-based-identity/ https://gracefullylivinglifeloved.com/letting-go-of-your-past-mistakes/

Is it possible.. finding hope and healing from abuse? Yes it is. If you found this post helpful please share it with others so that they can also find hope and healing.  Let’s share the love.

Gracefully yours,

A book that you may find very helpful in understanding how worthy and precious you truly are is called Captivating.  This is the book that really helped me break free from the negative thought patterns.

Because I strongly I believe in this book, I have given hundreds of them away to women who would benefit from it.  Click on the book if you want to preview it or purchase it.

Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge

This is an affiliated link.  If you purchase the book, I will receive a small commission at no extra cost to you.  This is what helps keep this blog going.  Thanks in advance!