Shame…

Just seeing that word shame makes me want to lower my head.  For so many years I lived in a shame-based identity.  It encompassed every aspect of my life.  Shame kept me a prisoner in my own mind.

As I was preparing for this post, I did a lot of research on the subject of shame.  I will share with you some of my findings along with some of my own experiences.  Hopefully it will enlighten you to the why and how of forming a shame-based identity, as it did me.

I will be doing a series of posts on the subject of shame.  There is just so much to cover on this topic.  It is my desire to help you overcome this emotion so you can be all that you were created to be.

Disclaimer

As I have stated in previous posts, I am very grateful for all the difficult situations in my life.  It is through those experiences that I have been able to help others find hope and healing from their difficult experiences. God has used the things that almost destroyed me for the good of others.

My philosophy is the best vessels used by God are the ones that have been shattered into pieces and repaired by grace.  They are the ones that shine the brightest because the light of Jesus can shine through the cracks.  My life is a prime example.

The stories that I share about family members are not intended to bring harm.  They are examples of hope and healing.  The relationships with family members have been restored and are stronger than ever.  It is proof that there is power in the name of Jesus.

Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt and shame are closely related but they are different in nature.  Guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for your actions.  Shame is a painful feeling about yourself as a person.  Guilt is based on actions while shame is based on the person.

Guilt says, “I did something bad.”

Shame says, “I am bad.”

We experience guilt when we fail to meet others’ standard of behavior.  On the other hand, shame is experienced when we fail to meet our own standards of behavior.  It is the “should haves” and “would haves” that shame focuses on.

Shame-Based Identity

The definition for shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.  A person who has a shame-based identity, like I did, believes that they are deficient, worthless, flawed, and unacceptable to the core.

“To have shame as an identity is to believe that one’s being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being.  Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.”   – John Bradshaw

I remember experiencing shame as a 5 year-old.  Granted, I was not able to name the emotion that I was experiencing, but I was fully aware that it felt bad.  I overheard words that were spoken about me in an angry response from a family member that caused me to believe I was a bad mistake and not wanted.

Unfortunately, I carried that belief into my adult years.  There were numerous situations and experiences over the years that continually confirmed the belief as truth in my mind.  What I didn’t understand at the time was that there is a difference between belief and truth.

Shame-Based Identity Beliefs

As I was preparing and reading articles on shame, it was as if the authors were writing about me personally.  It made me think… “If my life paralleled research, how many others fit the same description?”  That is the reason I decided to do a series of posts on the topic.

Here are some of the beliefs a person with a shame-based identity may experience:  I am…

• stupid
• unattractive
• a failure
• selfish
• a bad person
• not enough
• a fraud or a phony
• unlovable
• I hate myself.
• I don’t matter.
• I’m defective or inadequate.
• I shouldn’t have been born.

How About You?

Unfortunately, 10 years ago, I would have agreed with each and every one of those statements/beliefs above.  Today, I can honestly say I am free of those beliefs.  My true self is in charge of my life.

Can you relate to any of these thoughts/beliefs?  If you relate to some (or all) of these beliefs, then you may have a shame-based identity.  I encourage you not to let shame overwhelm you for having these beliefs.  Awareness is the beginning of healing.

“We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both.  Not at the same time.”   – Brene Brown

You can be courageous and overcome a shame-based identity.  It may seem comfortable where you are (emotionally) but when you face reality, it really isn’t comfortable at all.  The only power shame has over you is the power you give it.  You no longer have to be a slave to shame.

The truth is you are a beautiful person who was shamed as a young person. Your mind and body incorporated that shame. You are more than your physical body. You are so much more than your painful emotions.

Easier Said than Done

Shame has a way of preventing you from being your true self.  You believe in the idea of “needing to be who you think you should be” which affects what you are willing to show others.  It doesn’t help that there is an endless tape replaying over and over in  your mind reminding you what you are and are not.

For so many years I tucked my shame deep down in the dark space of my soul.  I built up walls to protect myself.  People I loved were held at a distance for fear of being rejected.  I lost my true self to the facade I created so that others would accept me.

For so many years I felt like God made a mistake when I was created.  I had received the message, during my childhood and teenage years, that I was too much of this and not enough of that.  That created my false sense of self.. an imagined self who was acceptable and worthy.

What it Means Long Term

“Tragically, the long-term ramifications of
being shame-based can result in situations such as one living his or her life in fear, allowing others to dictate what his or her life consists of, and if the person has children – shaming his or her children unknowingly.”       – Jenny Becvar

Shame has a way of repeating itself from generation to generation.  Without awareness, people continue the shame cycle.  I am a byproduct of a dysfunctional family.  I then started the cycle in my own family by shaming my children.

My 3 children were little when the shame cycle was in full operation.  Thankfully, my Father in Heaven healed my inner child and the cycle was broken.  My oldest son, who was on the receiving end of my shame and anger the longest, was affected the most.

Potential Problems

If shame-based identities are not dealt with and healed, it can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and addiction.

If not resolved it generates:

• low self-esteem
• anxiety
• irrational guilt
• perfectionism
• codependency
• it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships
• limits professional success.

You CAN heal from toxic shame and rebuild your self-esteem!  How do I know this to be true?  Because it happened for me.

Kimberly 11 years ago

Before God healed of my heart, I was one angry elf.  If you crossed my path and upset me, I would slice and dice you up with my sword-like tongue and spit you out in pieces.

I called myself Mt. Kimberly because I could literally feel the rage rumbling before the explosion of vicious words.  Once the eruption occurred, it was like molten lava was spewed all over everything.

About 11 years ago, I walked into my living room and discovered that my 3 precious young children had ‘destroyed’ the room I just cleaned.  My oldest child saw “the look” on my face and yelled, “Run for your lives… she’s gonna blow.”  All 3 ran past me and down the hall to their rooms.  Their doors went… boom… boom… boom.

As I was standing there seething, frustrated that I didn’t get to release the “lava”, God grabbed my heart.  I realized that I was treating my children the same way my parents had treated me with their anger.  I had vowed never to do that when I was younger and now here I was repeating the same cycle.

My precious Jesus not only healed my anger issues and shame-based identity but he also restored the relationships that were damaged because of my behavior.  That is why I KNOW there is hope and healing available for you.

The Shame Cycle Continues

“Whenever a child is shamed through some form of abandonment, feelings of anger, hurt and sadness arise. Since shame-based parents are shame bound in all their emotions, they cannot tolerate their children’s emotions. Therefore, they shame their children’s emotions. When their emotions are shamed, children numb out, so they don’t feel their emotions.”
― John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Dysfunction within the family is what drives the irrational spiral of shame.  Shame keeps us bound in an illusion.

The fear of being exposed for who we really are and people ‘finding out’ how bad we truly are is an illusion we create in our minds.  (These types of fears are irrational because they have no basis in reality.)

Our natural response to fear is to hide.  So we conceal it, pushing it into our subconscious where it festers and grows.

Overtime shame becomes like an unbearable monster.  This monster is fed by our irrational fears.  Fears like being ‘found out’ by people only add energy to the shame pool.  And on and on the spiral continues…

Letting Go and Letting God

I know that statement is a common cliche but it is so very true.  I am not talking about being more religious but rather developing a personal relationship with your Father in Heaven.

Religion is not bad.  It is when you only have religion and not a relationship with Christ to go along with it that things do not seem to work out.  Our sinful nature will fail us every single time which then creates more shame.

It was through my relationship with my best friend, Jesus, that I found the strength and courage to overcome my shame and shame-based-identity.  If you want to know more about a personal relationship with God please visit my Let Faith Arise page.

Overcoming Shame-based Identity

I wish I could give you a 3-Step process to overcome a shame-based identity.  Honestly, it is an ongoing process.  Just yesterday, I had to face shame.  Gratefully, I am not a prisoner to it any longer.

I had set a goal for myself and I was not able to achieve it.  Unlike the past, I accepted the fact that the goal was not reached and that it was OKAY.  Progress… thank you Jesus.

When shame rears it ugly head, I encourage you to face it and don’t run and hide.  You deserve to live a life free of guilt and shame.  Accept what it is and move on.  You’ve got this precious friend!

Related reading on this topic –

Healing from the Past – Letting Go of Your Past Mistakes

Valuable Life Lessons

Gracefully yours,

A book that you may find very helpful in understanding how worthy and precious you are is called Captivating.  This is the book that really helped me break free from the negative thought patterns.

I have given hundreds of them away to women.  That is how strongly I believe in this book.  Click on the book if you want to preview it or purchase it.

*This is an affiliated link.  If you purchase the book I will get a small commission at no extra cost to you.  It is what helps keep this blog going.  Thanks in advance!