Shame…

Just the mention of the word shame would bring up so many painful memories for me years ago.  I am continuing the series of posts on the topic of shame because it encompasses so much information.  My first post in the series is Healing the Past –  Tearing Down the Walls of a Shame-based Identity.

That post talks about the “how” and “why” shame-based-identities are formed.  I shared personal stories so that you can realize that you can overcome shame and guilt.

We all experience shame in our lives.  There is a difference between experiencing shame and internalizing shame.  It is the shame that we internalize that creates havoc in our lives.

“Shame.. it needs three things to grow exponentially:  secrecy, silence, and judgement.”          – Brene Brown

The Shame-based Cycle

Like some people, I grew up in a dysfunctional home.  My parents “parented” the way they were “parented”.  Parents naturally do to their children what their parents did to them .  That is how the shame cycle continues on through the generations.

It was no fault of my parents, “parenting” the way they did.  They did the best with their knowledge about how to be parents.  Fortunately, my parents have discovered a better way to “parent.” Our relationship has been restored because of it and I absolutely adore my parents now.

Shame – based Discipline

Dysfunctional families are shame based.  When parents feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or irritated they use shame tactics.  These tactics may stop the misbehavior temporarily, but it is at the cost of the child’s self-worth and self esteem.

When a parent criticizes, the child forms a negative image about themselves.  Instead of receiving the message that their behavior is bad, they internalize they are bad.

Shame tactics make the child feel bad about having feelings or needs.  It can even make them feel bad for who they are as well.  I personally can relate to those types of tactics.  Shame tactic comments are rejecting, demeaning, frightening, criticizing, and/or insulting.

Shame Discipline

Words are very powerful.  We can use our words to build people up or tear them down.  I was on the receiving end of words that tore me down and I have also been on the giving side of spewing harmful words.

Shame discipline passes on from generation to generation if parents do not educate themselves on how to do constructive parenting and refrain from impulsive anger.

Thankfully, God grabbed my heart and revealed to me that I needed to stop the cycle in my own family.  (I shared that story in my post Healing the Past – Shame-based Identity.)

Examples Of What Not to Do

I am sure you have seen examples of parents embarrassing their children on social media.  I know I have.

My heart breaks for those kids because of the message that is being imprinted into their hearts.  Not only are the parents causing damage to their child’s self-esteem/self-worth but they are destroying their relationship with their child.

“We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.”      ―Brene Brown

Here is a list of some statements parents make to their children that contribute to the child’s low self-esteem, feeling insecure, and feeling abandoned.

• “Grow up!  Stop acting like a spoiled brat.”
• “Boys don’t cry.  Don’t be a sissy.”
• “Act your age.  Stop acting like a baby.”
• “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
• “None of the other children act like you do.”
• “You are going to be the death of me.”
• “I wish you were never born.”
• Non-verbal – eye rolling and looks of disgust

Growing up, I heard some of these comments and some not listed that deeply ingrained shame into my spirit.  I know for myself, I repeated some of these things that were spoken to me to my children.

If you have spoken these things to your family, please know there is healing available for your relationships.  I know because it has happened with my relationships.

Characteristics of Adults from Dysfunctional Families

As I was researching information for this topic, I came across a book called Shame and Guilt:  Masters of Disguise by Jane Middleton-Moz. Click on the book if you would like to preview it or purchase it.  (This is an affiliated link – at no extra cost to you.)

Here is an excerpt from the book:

Characteristics Of Adults Shamed In Childhood

Adults shamed as children:

• are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.
• may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
• fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.
• may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
• feel that, “No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.”
• frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
• often blame others before they can be blamed.
• may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
•  feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

Adults shamed as children:

• project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, constantly feeling judged by others.
• often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
• may feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
• often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
• believe they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
• experience depression.
• lie to themselves and others.
• block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like being a workaholic, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
• often have caseloads rather than friendships.
• occasionally involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualize as a defense against pain.
• are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
•  have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

Characteristics Of Shame-Based Adults In Relationships:

We…

• lose ourselves in love.
• expend a great deal of energy in mind-reading. We frequently talk to ourselves about what our partners are feeling and needing more than to our partners.
• pay a high price for those few good times.
• often sign two contracts upon commitment, one conscious and another which is unconscious.
• blame and are blamed.
• want them gone, then fight to get them back.
• know it will be different but expect it to be the same.
• often feel that our partners are controlling our behavior.
• are frequently attracted to the emotional qualities in another that we have disowned in ourselves.
• often create triangles in relationships.
• seek the unconditional love from our partners that we didn’t receive adequately in a shaming childhood.
• When we argue, we fight for our lives.

It just amazes me how closely my life fits Jane Middleton-Moz’s research.  How about you?  Can you relate to the statements above?

Shame Tactic Outcome

For me, shame-based discipline did not have a very good outcome.  Shame imprinted my heart with the belief that I was unworthy, rejected, and unlovable.  Those feelings dominated my thoughts and decisions throughout my life.  Even though those beliefs were not true… they were true to me.

My behavior as a teenager was very challenging.  Because I wrestled with my feelings of insecurity and self hatred, I made poor decisions.  Those poor decisions only created more shame.  On and on the spiral continued…

Result of No Emotional Validation

Because my family was stuck in the shame-based cycle, I did not receive the validation for who I was.  My teenage emotions were met with frustration and anger.

I acted out as a test to see if my parents loved me.  To my dismay, I failed at my attempts.  The result was more shame.   All I wanted was to know that I was worthy, accepted, and lovable.

Unfortunately, my attempts to prove to myself I was lovable by my parents was met with anger and contempt.  So I went searching in different places.  That search only created more insecurity and shame.

Healing the Shame That Binds You

Healing shame requires that we connect to the truth of our own experience.  We must author our own story, become our own authority.

–David Bedrick

I want you to know that shame can be broken off of your life.  It’s power over you can be defeated.  You do not need to be a prisoner to it any longer.

The information I just shared with you was not intended for you to feel bad about your life.  To clarify, it was shared so that you could have an awareness of it and be healed from it.

Steps to Take

The first step is awareness, knowing that you are internalizing shame.  People feel uncomfortable about talking about shame because of the negative connotation it has.  It is only when we expose light (truth) to the darkness (shame), that the power of the darkness is taken away.

Being willing to be vulnerable is the next step.  You may say, “Vulnerability… that sounds quite uncomfortable.”  It is essential because without it, we are not able to connect and engage with people.

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love.

Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability.” 
                                            ―Brene Brown

Vulnerability is not weakness… it is courage.  I will be addressing the topic of vulnerability in greater depth in my next post.

The Power of the Cross to Heal Shame

Freedom from shame is a journey.  You can break down the walls of shame through the power of Jesus Christ.  Christ’s death on the cross paid the price for all to be healed.  That includes emotional healing. (John 3:16 and Isaiah 53:5)

I know what it feels like to have shame wash over me and stop me in my tracks.  But I also know what it feels like to be set free from the death grip of shame.  My source of freedom came from my precious Jesus.

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame.”              -Psalms 34:5

That is a promise from scripture.  When we choose to center our identity in Christ and not in circumstances, the darkness of our shame is turned into radiance.

If you want to know more about finding freedom through Jesus, visit my page Let Faith Arise.

Where Does My Help Come From?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth.  Please don’t get me wrong, I still have days when I feel condemned, overwhelmed by insecurities, and disqualified.  The difference is I no longer hang out with those feelings.  I acknowledge them and move on.

My identity is based on who I am in Christ.  I am a daughter of the King, worthy, precious, and adored.  Jesus took my shame when He bore my sins on the cross.

Through that act of love, Jesus declared me (and you) more than enough.  His death and resurrection destroyed the power of shame… forever.

Same Applies For You

If you find it hard to believe that you can overcome, you are not alone.  I also doubted that I could ever be free from the power of shame.  I will believe it for the both of us because I know, through my own experience, YOU CAN overcome shame.

Choose to center your identity in who Christ says you are.  Most importantly, my precious friend,  chose to believe you are….

• beautiful
• a gift from Heaven
• wanted
• worthy of love
• precious
• more than enough
• loved

Watch this short 3 min. video to KNOW who you are in Christ.

Who I am in Christ – Link

Confession of who we are in Christ

You are an overcomer!  Victory is yours through Jesus!

Gracefully yours,

A book that you may find very helpful in understanding how worthy and precious you are is called Captivating.  This is the book that really helped me break free from the negative thought patterns.

I have given hundreds of them away to women.  That is how strongly I believe in this book.  Click on the book if you want to preview it or purchase it.

*This is an affiliated link.  If you purchase the book I will get a small commission at no extra cost to you.  It is what helps keep this blog going.  Thanks in advance!