Mirror… mirror… on the wall… please tell me I can do it all.

I don’t know about you, but I had this crazy idea that I was Wonder Woman.  I was delusional to believe I could accomplish everything and anything I set my mind to do… and do it perfectly.  Perfectionism at its finest.

Wrong!  I spent the majority of my life pursuing perfection.  I did accomplish one thing… destroy my health.

About 6 years ago, my body decided it had enough of striving and perfectionism.  My…

• adrenal glands gave out,
• liver and kidneys stopped working properly,
• thyroid quit working,
• hormones were in chaos,
• digestion system was in havoc, and
• my pituitary gland stopped driving my bus.

Needless to say, I was one hot mess.  I am still trying to regain my health back after 6 years.

What is Perfectionism?

So what is this thing called perfectionism?  Perfectionism is defined as a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.

Here is a list of some traits:

• Self-worth that’s dependent on achievements, appearance, and outcomes
• Fear of failure
• Fear of (and avoidance of) uncomfortable feelings
• Inflexible, often unrealistically high expectations
• Critical inner voice
• Mental health issues – depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, procrastination, social anxiety, performance anxiety, test anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, chronic stress

“Perfectionism causes conflicts with your family, it takes up all your free time, it squeezes the enjoyment out of all your activities. To perfectionists, nothing is ever perfect, so they are never fully satisfied.”   -Psychologist Jeanne Strassburger 

Perfectionism Goals

Due to my faulty belief system, I made it a regular habit to set standards for myself that were unattainable.  Every time I didn’t accomplish a goal, I felt like a complete failure.  Little did I know, I set myself up to fail.  This practice was self-destructive and it fueled my fear of never being enough.

I needed people to perceive me as good and worthy.  I was convinced that if I looked perfect from the outside people would accept and like me.  In my mind, perfectionism would also help me avoid the shame and self-condemnation that was rooted deep within me.

To my dismay, perfectionism only increased my chances of feeling shamed, judged, and increased my self-hatred.  So I would strive harder to be perfect.  It was a very addictive belief system that I held myself to.

Perception Skewed

For many years I equated my self-worth to my accomplishments and achievements.  Because I was never satisfied with my level of achievement, as a result, I pushed myself harder to do better.  I would constantly overlook the good things about myself, my life, and my own worth.

I received the message very early in life that performance was important and how people viewed you was everything.  It felt like I had to constantly earn my place as “good and acceptable” in the world… and to myself.

Perfectionist to the Core

I lived with a deep sense that I didn’t deserve to just exist and be loved for who I was.  The feeling of being imperfect, deeply flawed, and unlovable pushed me to constantly earn and prove my worth to others… and myself.  It felt like a marathon.

Constantly pursuing perfection is like running on a never-ending treadmill.  As soon as I reached a goal or achievement, I was onto the next one because the joy and satisfaction did not last.

I also believed…

• by making everything perfect on the outside I would feel peace and serenity on the inside.
• when things went wrong or I did not achieve at a certain level, I had failed.
•  I needed to be extremely competitive about almost everything I did.
•  If I could make my outside environment look organized, it would appear that  everything is good and safe on the inside.

Unfortunately, perfectionism only caused more damage to my self-worth and self-esteem.  As I was striving to live, look, and be perfect, I never reached perfection or avoided the painful emotions.  It only caused stress, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.

Healthy Achievement verses Perfectionism

It is important to understand the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving.  There is nothing wrong with having goals and pushing forward to achieve them. It is how we approach them that makes all the difference.

Perfectionists

• Setting standards beyond reach and reason
• Never being satisfied by anything less than perfection
• Becoming depressed when faced with failure or disappointment
• Being preoccupied with fears of failure and disapproval
• Seeing mistakes as evidence of unworthiness
• Becoming overly defensive when criticized

Healthy Striving

• Setting standards that are high but within reach
• Enjoying process as well as outcome
• Bouncing back quickly from failure or disappointment
• Keeping normal anxiety and fear of failure within bounds
• Seeing mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning
• Reacting positively to helpful criticism

This information came from the article, Perfectionism versus Healthy Striving – by The University of Texas in Austin – they also information on perfectionism: myths and realities  Click here if you would like to read the article.

I am learning how to reset my unrealistic expectations and replace them with realistic, attainable expectations.  The result is feeling successful rather than feeling like a complete failure.  I have also learned how to enjoy the simple things in life because of it.

Tendencies of Perfectionists

According to researchers Gordon L. Flett and Paul L. Hewitt, there are some common tendencies among people who are perfectionists.

*This information was taken from the book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect by  Alice D. Domar Ph.D. and Alice Lesch Kelly.  (Click on the link if you are interested in previewing the book or purchasing the book.)

1. Expecting people and situations to have no flaws or faults. 

   There are three types of perfectionist:  People who expect perfection from themselves, people who demand perfection from others, and people who think others expect perfection from them.

2. Getting “stuck” on tasks.

   Doubt and concern about making mistakes can trigger procrastination.

3. Having perfection-oriented automatic thoughts.

   Even when they do not realize it, perfectionists tell themselves that they have to be perfect.

4. Having a hyper-awareness of imperfection.

   Perfectionist notice and dwell on flaws.

5. Feeling shame and guilt.  

   When a perfectionist makes a mistake, she feels ashamed of what others think and guilty because of her own unacceptable performance.

6. Making mountains out of molehills.

   For a perfectionist, a minor setback carries more importance than it deserves.

7. Setting rigid standards.

   A perfectionist sets unreasonably high expectations; success is black and white – either you are a complete success or a complete failure.

8. Expecting the impossible.

   Perfectionist feel they should excel in every area – even those in which they have no training or experience or that are not important.

9. Making all-or-nothing judgments.

   If a perfectionist can’t do something well, she may write it off as being worthless.

10. Overstating what is at stake.

    Perfectionist convince themselves that the world hangs on to every decision and action.

11. Overreacting.  

    Perfectionists tend to cope with problems in an overemotional, reactive way rather than facing them head-on with problem-focused, task-oriented strategies.

How About You?

Do you…

• have a specific manner in which things should be done?
• embrace an all-or-nothing approach to life?
• spend a lot of time “perfecting” something?
• wait for the right time or conditions before you start a task or project?
• set high standards for yourself?
• feel depressed when you do not achieve your agenda or goals?
• expect others to hold the same standards you hold?

Is…

• there room for mistakes?
• success never enough? You could do better?
• it difficult time delegating projects or work?
• perfection the end goal?

Are you..

• good at spotting mistakes others do not see?
• able to spot mistakes others do not see?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you are most likely a perfectionist.  Remember… you can have goals and high standards (healthy striving).  It is when goals and standards are taken to the extreme that it can cause problems.

Coping strategies

Here is a list of strategies you can implement to help you refocus your goals and standards so that you can avoid the negative drawbacks of perfectionism.

1. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of trying to be perfect.

2. Increase your awareness of the self-critical nature of your all-or-nothing thoughts, and how they extend to other people in your life.

3. Be realistic about what you can do.

4. Set strict time limits on each of your projects. When the time is up, move on to another activity.

5. Learn how to deal with criticism.

*This information came from the article, Perfectionism versus Healthy Striving – by The University of Texas in Austin.  Click here to read the entire article.

Changed Perception

When I started changing my perspective to healthy striving (instead of perfectionism), not everyone was happy about my positive changes.  I was known as the person who gave 110% to everything I did.   When someone needed something done, I was the person they called.

However, when I decided that I needed to be true to myself and set some boundaries for my life.  I remember one time, in particular, when I set a boundary for a person and they kept trying to knock over my fence.

Boundary Set In Place

“Lilly” called me to tell me she needed me to do something for an organization I was apart of.  She was on her way out of town and realized she forgot to do something for our upcoming meeting.

She told me what needed to be done. ( Usually, I would accept whatever project or assignment that was delegated to me.)  Unfortunately, what she wanted me to do was not going to fit into my schedule and I tried to tell her so.

Lily kept interrupting me… telling me how this situation needed to be taken care of.  She finally got the message that I wasn’t going to bow down to her demand and got very upset with me.

Normally, I would bend under pressure but not this time.  My stomach hurt and my head was pounding… but I stood my ground.

Mirror… mirror.. on the wall.. please remind me that I cannot do it all

I am so grateful that I was able to discover that perfectionism is not healthy way to live life.  I have learned the difference between  perfectionism and realistic standards.  Setting realistic goals has greatly improved my self-esteem and self-worth.

Thankfully, I no longer overlook the good things about myself, my life, and my own worth.  It is possible for me to be in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.

My relationships have improved greatly.  I no longer impose my unrealistic standards on family or friends.  It frees me to love them just the way they are… flaws and all.

I see the bigger picture now and know that I am worthy as a whole person.  My imperfections and flaws do not make me a “bad” or “unworthy” person.  I have learned how to love the skin I am in!

Consequently, the fear of failure no longer dominates my thoughts.  Mistakes are no longer a death sentence for me.  They are opportunities for me to become a better person.

You Can Shatter the Mirror too!

I encourage you to refuse to allow perfectionism to wreck havoc on your life and others.  You deserve a life that is fulfilling and beautiful.  I know for myself, it is possible to break free from the debilitating power of perfectionism.

In order to overcome the trap of perfectionism, learn as much as you can about perfectionism.  Seek out help if you’re having trouble overcoming being a perfectionist. You can learn to have high standards that are healthy and realistic for you, and stop being a perfectionist.

Gracefully yours,

You may also find these posts helpful with understanding the “why” you may strive for perfection.

Healing the Past – Tearing Down the Walls of a Shame-based Identity

The House of Shame and Guilt Destroyed – Hope Restored

Helpful Resources

Here is a list of helpful books that can help you become the best version of you.  They are affiliated links… but there is no extra cost to you.

Present Perfect: A Mindfulness Approach to Letting Go of Perfectionism and the Need for Control

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”

Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Worry Less and Enjoy Life More by Alice D. Domar Ph.D. (2009-03-24)